Gone to the Dog: TV Remote

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Gone to the Dog: Wite-Out

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

 

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Good friends of ours are applying to adopt one of their foster children and they asked me to fill out a questionnaire for the adoption agency. I was using this Bic Wite-Out pen to complete the Very Important Paperwork at the dining room table. Midway through, I got up from the table to use the bathroom and when I started making a smoothie in the kitchen, I heard it: the telltale sound of Huck chewing on something he shouldn’t. Maybe the white will cover up the residual green left on his toes from the highlighters. Asshole.

Gone to the Dog: Earbuds

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

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There’s a coffee table in the basement right next to the couch where my kids like to watch television. That’s where my daughter left these earbuds, though I’ve told her repeatedly not to put stuff there because the idiot dog always swipes it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled the TV remote out of his mouth. I don’t even know what happened to the right earbud; I never found it. I suppose it’ll be passing through the asshole—literally—soon enough.

Gone to the Dog: Pen

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

 

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I left this pen on the dining room table after I wrote a check for my daughter. The asshole stole and destroyed it in less than five minutes.

Gone to the Dog: Another Leash

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

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The asshole just chewed through the new leash I purchased to replace the leash he chewed through two weeks ago. I hope adjusts well to life on the “farm.”

Gone to the Dog: Highlighters

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

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I suppose this could have been avoided if my daughter hadn’t left a highlighter on the dining room table or my other daughter had pushed in her chair after lunch or I had remembered to crate the asshole before we left the house for 30 minutes or we hadn’t gotten a goddamn puppy out of the back of a fucking van at the Fort Washington train station last January, but what’s done is done.

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I hope he likes the green paws because that shit ain’t washing out. Asshole.

Gone to the Dog: Leash

imageA semi-regular feature in which I spotlight household items that were stolen, chewed, and destroyed by our asshole dog, Huck.

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The asshole has been gnawing on this retractable leash for months.Sometimes, he grabs it in his mouth so he can walk himself. Today, the idiot doggo finally chewed through the strap. I expected him to take off after it broke, but he just stood there looking at me, trying to figure out what had happened.